thousand words by niclas engsäll: A room with a view

Warning: This is probably my least entertaining post yet.

Life really is full of contrasts. It is this in its very nature that makes it interesting. There are of course many clichés when it comes to this. Some examples of this are ideas like we would not appreciate the summer if we did not have the winter or the weekend if we did not have our work-days. Sure that may be true, but there is no contrast larger than being of health or out of health. As some may already know I am currently enjoying the latter part. Currently my days are for the most parts being spent in a hospital bed. A few days back I collapsed in enormous cramps and pains of my back, backside and right leg. Unable to move even a single mm in any direction it was a stroke of luck that I had my phone in my hand when this happened. The ambulance arrived 4.5 hours later (unbelievable) and hence I have now been making good friends with Sister Morphine since Thursday at St Göran Hospital.

Quite obviously this is a very humbling situation to be in. Life very clearly hits you over the head and reminds you that you are not immortal. It also makes you think of the important things in life, because if there is something a hospital bed allows you to do, it’s giving you time to think. And although under the influence of medication and painkillers one also begins to think quite clearly about things. Part of this reason I think is that one is completely stripped down to the purest form of one self. Titles, income, status etc are all thrown out the window. It is a very primal and basic human condition to be in. All the layers and facades built up over the course of ones life are torn down. One is literally and metaphorically as naked as one can get. Completely trusting in those whose profession it is to care for you while here. When your physical state finally leaves you no choice but to accept momentarily defeat, the mind may calmly wander in various directions at free will and at the pace it chooses.

It really becomes a mental reboot, but more importantly moves you forward on a personal level. This may sound like some new age bullshit, but it’s far from it. Without the constant clutter and inhumanly high pace, which we usually are forced to live our lives by this rather helps one self to refocus. One is given the opportunity to more clearly identify and align ones ambitions and goals, so that they all point in the same direction again and not all over the place, as well as letting go of that which is nothing but a waste of time and energy.

For me personally I regret that things have to get so extreme for me to open my eyes and see things for what they really are, but none the less happy that I have done so. Now the trick is to remember these insights even though I shortly will through myself back into the ferret wheel again. One thing is for sure, I will never pass a hospital again without giving an extra thought to all those who are struggling inside to make the best of things. Both the unfortunate patients as well the fantastic staff, the latter whom have some of the most important jobs in society, yet are being paid as if it were the opposite.

My intention of this post is not to claim that I have become a different person simply because of spending some time in a hospital under extremely painful conditions, nor to in a pretentious way claim things that are already common knowledge. It is written down simply to remind myself how I felt at this very moment. Because I know myself well enough that I will otherwise surely forget it.